Dating and Cancer

Let's face it -- dating can be complicated these days. From how long to wait before calling to when to meet the parents can be unnerving decisions. When you throw a cancer diagnosis and treatment into dating dynamics, it can turn stressful. The decision to reveal your cancer to your new love interest may not be an easy one to make -- what will their reaction be? Will you scare them off? Will they think of you differently?

Deciding Who To Tell and When Is Important

Who you choose to tell about your cancer is a very private decision. Some people are very selective in who they confide in, while others are much more open with their cancer journey. It is important to know that you don't have to tell everyone you date that you have cancer. Cancer may be a big part of your life, but it doesn't have to define who you are. With that being said, however, you should tell those who are becoming serious, possibly permanent fixtures in your life. The question is, though, when is the right time to tell them? Here are a few tips that can help you to decide when and how to tell the new person in your life about your cancer:

Listen to your intuition. When it is time to tell your love interest that you have cancer, you will probably know it intuitively. Your "gut feeling", or intuition, will let you know that the moment is just right. It could be over a romantic dinner or while taking a long walk. It can be a spontaneous decision or perhaps require planning. Remember, if you are nonchalant about your cancer, it does not mean your partner will have the same feeling about it. The word cancer can make others nervous -- you should tell him or her during a time that allows them to adequately process what you have brought out into the open.

Don't wait too long. If you waited until the wedding rehearsal dinner to reveal your health secret, then you delayed it far too long. Yes, there is a right time to share such important information, but it is not something that should be unnecessarily put off. It can cause your partner to feel angry, hurt, and betrayed if you wait too long. Healthy relationships thrive on trust and if you aren't being honest, then your partner may take it as you being deceitful.

Be honest and forthcoming. When you do decide to talk about your diagnosis and treatment, it's important to do so with honesty. By now you have realized that your cancer has not solely affected you, but also those around you. Your partner does have a right to know how serious your disease is and how it may potentially affect their life by being in a relationship with you.

Be prepared to answer questions. Your boyfriend or girlfriend will probably have a lot of questions to ask you about your type of cancer and how it affects you. Some of the questions may seem extreme, but remember that they are valid concerns and should be addressed. He or she may want to know:

• Are you dying?
  
• Do doctors think you will live?
  
• What is your treatment like?
  
• How did you get cancer? Was it genetic?
  
• When are you going to be finished with treatment?
  
• Will you be cured?

These are just a small sample of the many questions that may arise during your discussion. Keep in mind that the questions may not come for a few days -- you have to give the person time to process the information you have just given them. Every person will react differently and it's difficult to predict how one person may respond.

Coping with Your Partner's Reaction

Telling someone who you just recently started dating or have become serious with that you have cancer is a sure fire way to weed out the bad apples from your bunch. Some people may feel they cannot handle being in a relationship with a person with cancer and may dismiss having a romantic relationship with you. This reaction is usually fueled by fear, but some people just really cannot cope with being around a sick person. Personality flaw or not, you may not be able to change their opinion about your cancer and this is okay. You need people around you that are going to support you and lift you up -- not bring you down.

Hopefully, your girlfriend/boyfriend is able accept your cancer and see you instead of the disease. You don't want them to overlook and ignore your cancer, but to understand, accept, and know that it may affect the relationship. Be sure to give them a realistic idea of how cancer may affect their life as your significant other. If they can embrace you, cancer and all, then you have probably found a good match that will hopefully last throughout treatment and beyond.